Awkward

A man sits alone in the sand making a crevice with his arse that perfectly fitted the dimensions of his arse. Everything seems comfortable, the weather warm the sea calm and even his mind had serenity, a serenity caused by being alone, alone on a desert island.

This isolation could not last for much longer, a wave came like a sperm and deposited a bottle with paper in it. With finger and fore-finger he teased some paper from the bottle and read this:

“It came to me the other day as I was sitting listlessly frightened on my chair: what a waste yet again. It’s disconcerting, I’m thinking, existence feels impossible to me, absurd and at the same time natural. What else can I compare it to? What would non-existence be like? This way of thinking leads to death, I didn’t tell myself, instead I thought, romantically: existence = absurdity, therefore death = non-existence.

The only problem, I decided, was that nothing ever stays the same for me. I wasn’t happy with my equation and my face tingled with a new thought, what if death was absurd too? Soon I couldn’t stop the thoughts: Does anything ever exist? Does my life have to be absurd? Why does nothing ever stay the same? Does any of this matter if you wish to live a rational life?

Doubt convulsed all over me, I sat and swung my arms just so I knew they were there, but I couldn’t escape them even if I wanted to. I close my eyes and the image of me running away from my arms swam before me, the panic spreading over my face as I realised my arms were helping me to run. I open my eyes and feel my body before me. I wonder just where my body is, I can see it, feel it even, but where is it? I can never see myself properly.

I got out of my chair and walk over to the mirror, except I move as though in a dream. I stand and look at my reflection, it seemed three dimensional but it is still only an image. My mind raced, where am I? it asked. I wish I was someone else but the horror was that I would still have the same problem. I cannot locate myself and even though I am everything real and nothing unreal, I still don’t know who I am.

Am I just depressed?”

*

The man moved in the sand destroying the crevice and creating a jagged swish of lumpy sand where his arse was planted. “What is this shit?”, he said aloud being more than used to talking alone, to himself and his enormous beard. Wait, there’s more, he harrumphed.

“There are too many questions. It fatigues me and for the moment I can only sit and stare. How wonderful!

But nothing stays the same. I think again and I think about my inability to do anything. I am nothing! I feel the irony, I can’t think of nothing for long even though I am nothing. Everyday the prospect of doing things of going out into the world fills me with dread. When I awake in the morning , when I slowly awake in the afternoon, getting out of bed is so hard. I am comfortable in my bed, it is the one place where doing nothing is acceptable (no sex for me), my bed is shaped around me. Yet, I tell myself, I must do something.

My life, in retrospect is so compartmentalised. Year in year out I never stick to any plan of action, except that I will do nothing. I try to fill the void with attempts of doing. Maybe, I tell myself, I could join this or go there, even take up a hobby so I could meet other people. Then my mind turns to nothing and it’s all lost, again.

Ach! Idealistic bullshit, I lie to myself. I get a headache just thinking about it all.”

*

What a sad sounding fucker, the man chuckles to himself. Why does he feel alone when he’s surrounded by life and culture, streets and sounds? If only he knew. Then the man paused, thinking, will my latest catch be dry cured by now? He asked himself. He turned over the crumpled page and carried on reading.

“I was kicking through the dust and debris of my squalid bedsit and came across a blue journal. I dimly remember that one time I tried to write poetry. I felt sick on opening the pages.

Sitting around the house
all day
can be very very boring
I didn’t mean to
but I’ve become very very lazy.

I should get that old job back again
I should try
it would be good for me to work
and move
good for my health and well-being
Get MOTIVATED!!!

What the fuck? This is shit, really embarrassing. How old was I when I did that? Trying to push it from my mind, it was only two years ago.

I fling the journal across the room, sit staring into space, arms dangling by my side. I try to think of nothing but all I can think about are the soul destroying jobs I’ve had in the past serving annoying people, people who look like ghouls scrambling and grabbing at stuff they don’t really need. And for what? So management and shareholders can make more money that they know not what to do with. Self-respect is synonymous with poverty. This is what nothing comes to.”

*

The man’s laughter slowly fades into the empty sea before him. ‘This kid’s really ill, he needs help,’ he says to himself. Getting up from the hot sand he retreats to his small shelter made from drift wood and other materials he scrambled from the island he was on. The fish he had caught were almost dry cured over the low fire he had made. Sitting down on a log he munched on a fish while turning the last page.

“Another day, same chair, same arms dangling. I see in the corner the blue journal I threw the other day and then just beside it I notice a bicycle, dusty and with flat tires hidden with an old sheet half covering it. I find a tire pump in a draw and pump up the tires, easily the most active I’ve been in ages. The sun shines outside, it’s summer.

I think of going for a ride. It’s a heavy thought as I go through all of the shit that might happen. Fuck it, I think I’m going to open the door.

Gently turning the handle the door slowly opens, the bike that was balanced on my arse slips to the floor with a louder noise than I expected. I flinch, swear and pick the bike up. There is no one in the hall so my embarrassment I hold alone. I awkwardly wheel the bike out while closing the door. I have my keys, I think, I think.

Suddenly a door two doors from mine opens with a flourish and a girl breezes out turning towards me. My heart races and sweat was forming on my forehead, I didn’t know where to look. She walks to me, I start to panic thinking what will I say if she talks to me? But she starts to veer to my left heading for the corridor that leads to the washing room. I take a deep breath, she smiles at me as she passes and my front bike wheel seems to have a life of it’s own as it volts forward and embeds itself between the girl’s moving legs, trapped.

I fluster, apologising, sorry, so sorry I’m saying but she just laughs with a light sweet laugh saying it’s ok, not to worry, as she carries on towards the washing room.

I, ashen faced, turn back into my room, throwing the bike to the floor and collapse into my chair, arms dangling. It starts to rain outside.”

*

The man on the island finishes the last of his fish and slowly rolls the paper back into it’s bottle. He gets up with thought in his face debating whether to try that fishing spot again, the sun was setting and there could be some lazy fish for the taking. Dropping the bottle into the sand by his nearly dead fire, enough embers left to rekindle it later, he walks off towards the blue ocean.

Trauma: (2) Inside / Outside: Melancholy verse

The door from the inside of room

Opening the door they let me
in
my room I walk

Bed table TV locked in a
cabinet
mesh on the window.

Bathroom padded door there’s
no
seat on the toilet

Everything is welded
to
floor and wall.

No room for maniac to
wield
a table or throw a chair

The door closes behind me and I
see
peeping hole partially closed.

Bag drops to floor it’s the
only
thing that’s mobile and me

I fall on the bed.

Later I stand outside my
room
only in boxers I’m ushered back in

It’s well into the night
when
I get my first dose then sleep.

The morning comes round another
pill
still dreaming still sweating

My mind is calm I know that
all
this is what I have now.

A tour of the facilities
leads
to a functional kitchen

A spacious living room TV
between
programs showing adverts for alcohol.

Walk past table chairs and
settee
I see outside

But first the heavy door to
open
I do with a strain all over my face.

In the fresh air mind starts to
breathe
mesh like table and chairs

No smoking signs people sat
smoking
you can’t tame the beast.

Large sloping grass
leads
down to a fence

A tree centered surrounded by a
hole
my anxiety grows.

I’m inside/outside together at
once
people are looking

I fall down the hill and hit my bonce.

Trauma: (1) Trigger: A poem nay a lyric

The positive the negative
each mistaking the other each
misused for a fraudulent benefit.

Something that’s all too literal something
that’s only actually a myth made up
something that is tailor-made for you by them.

It’s a trigger it sets you off it’s a trigger
for no god damned reason
trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger

rinse and repeat.

Don’t wear that you’ll trigger ‘em don’t
do that you’ll trigger ‘em
don’t trigger the herd you’ll frighten ‘em

Don’t say that to me I’ll be triggered
I’m trigger happy
trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger

rinse and repeat.

Trauma big or small no trauma at all
it’s the elemental trigger for them
used against you.

Don’t have one make it up as you go along
look at the news watch your peers
steal a trauma feel their trauma

Try not to laugh give good feedback look
at the the-rapist there’s your trauma
right there.

trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger

rinse and repeat.

Another Night Insomnia(Aged 21)

So I lie here wide eyes
racing mind,
Another night insomnia.

The darkness of bedroom
oppressive,
Just like restlessness can’t stop thinking.

A million subjects
objects too racing,
Know it’s the AM hours have to be up early again.

My fucking head used to
sleep so well now it just prickles,
Like fusion.

No use just can’t sleep
turn the light on,
Tired eyes used to it living off memory alone.

Jesus Christ in hell why don’t I have any temazepam?

Go to toilet snoring next door
take a leak come back,
Think about masturbating it used to let me dream.

Put some music on maybe drop off
before the music ends,
It ends lie helpless staring at darkness.

It’s just so fucking ridiculous and I cry
how did this happen to me,
Another night insomnia.

We all give head

To get inside people’s head

Outside my existence
though inside my sense-experience
lies a table within a jungle of sound

Objects of being
in their own phenomenon
their existence is confusing
they just present themselves
with no meaning

Just there
but words and a kind of interaction
presents a way forward
as I am a phenomenon also

Its a fascinating subject

Wooden table faded a green bottle
of used wine
various objects female paraphernalia
large teardrop bulbous glass with
w somerset leaning over wordsworth
on a lower rack

A table of scattered confusion
inanimate objects
sense is one thing
existence another

The greatest thing is you don’t have to be a head doctor
we all give head

With a wave of soft music
a sandstorm of a table
shell ashtray that i’ve not used

Some empty wine
white and crimson with
evolution on the stereo

Rent book and comic book
distractions both
solvent on the table

How do we perceive again and again
do we put things together as before
do we understand what we see
or is interpretation a guise?

The same image can be perceived in many
different ways
life is not a jigsaw puzzle its more
complicated
subjective reality means we cannot answer for
you, them, they
so yes interpretation is just a guise

A self-loathing “Why?”

why am i sensitive
why am i used
why am i insulted
why am i naive
why?

why is she intolerant
why is she self-obsessed
why did she use
and abuse me
why?

i was stupid
i never learn
she was unthinking
and was blinking
she missed me in an instant

i miss her too
why?

Planetary Nebular

Planetary Nebular – PDF

1

Deep deep is there any other way to describe it because I don’t know but it’s
beyond deep freeze and motionless because of course there is no time I’m just
speculating anyhow but we are told hold on here are some waves this really
is a vast place there’s oceans of space and now I think I feel some movement

From nothing to something no matter for black or white it’s all required and
it doesn’t matter because it is matter after all that’s formed just think all this
potentiality can lead somewhere and the progress as we all oscillate together
in giant clusters and create dubbed cosmic ripples becomes gaseous forms

Dense impenetrable glowing fog the temperatures rising and explosions of
fireballs expand to form a cloud of incandescent gas penetrating a nebular
galaxy and it is from within there that I feel some kind of critical density do
you know stars pass in vast numbers through nothingness as I reach………

Some kind of atmosphere but it all becomes perceptual soon enough still dense
nothingness but also deep humming maybe something yes a sphere out of nothing
ness and motion that creates life and of course the impenetrable star blowing
forth of rays of energy we have placenta our spinning globe planet earth we here

How can you explain but seemly from nothing came something we are all made
up of everything up there here or wherever space is but us see
everything became textures degrees of something and thus we get rock and
water thus solids and the air to breathe beings in the ordinary sense do exist

2

Now drifting for it seems like ages but how do I know what time is I’m like a
new born baby I am a new born baby and everywhere is blue and yes there is light
too much water though this atmosphere is changing so often once it’s dry windy then
torrential wet what is that yes but we all move and some kind of potentiality

There’s a curvature I can see it in the horizon there’s an afterglow in the sky at night
happenings out there in the deep deep impenetrable some forming and everything’s
like a balloon the boundaries have altered quantum fluctuations blown by inflation
and the variations on this planet are expanding a right old nebular humdrum activity

Billowing in the wind and the rain was put to good use seasons become settled
and to roam alternating nature such variations of colours in a blur and the impression
before me bearing fruits of joy and how on Earth can all this come from nothing
or seemingly nothing from the depths of timeless state and this begs the question

Lifeforms why if are they here similar in nature or differing in form I must soon see
because I have eaten my fill the apple and pear near to perfection soft and bright
beings of motion are near for now a new sensation that tingles my mind through the
foliage green expanse a voice to those silent fireballs in the sky lifeforms just are

Sound also oscillates comes in waves depending on which lifeforms volleys forth
brief ontological phenomenon before me animals scatter through nature this is
our home dear evolved humans and there could be perfection if you look and I do
and I see subtle limbs and graceful movements the human form this would have

Been the time when reproduction would have been a strong inclement and then
came more energy to the cause and this motion gives me the idea of the deep vast
nether land of yonder and how movement formed this nebular to equate it with this
specie activity and I wonder will something come of this too

Performing actions in order to achieve something the odyssey of consciousness but
which came first no matter it’s here we’re here and now the questions will arise
because there will still always be chaos collisions and from time to time critical
density to probe the intellect I’m thinking now the subject’s as vast as nothingness

3

Round and round we go out of nowhere going somewhere or at least stationary
in movement how do we work it out where do we find springy matter how do we
have it this is eternal and I we you them him her the starry dynamo and oracle of
destiny do we oscillate or is that the universe big or small every question is valid

The sphere can be defined as circular indeed one of our better inventions the wheel
we use nature to influence or we did but we should because everything came first
from there some looked for the forms in nature to recreate for our own comfort
we have done that to invent (what does that mean) means to copy means to exist

But we misinterpret all the time and because of this we have disasters natural disaster
so they say who’s kidding who now to concentrate on man-made errors and beg the
question is it natural or human thought is not perfect after all either way who needs to
know why lets just work it out together I can see you you can see me

So how do we act now we see each other when we meet person to person animal
to animal we evolve our chat we can be outwardly pleasant in nature the beauty of
beauty things are brutal death for food strongest are fittest I’ve seen small die big gets
away with it but when the mind becomes then size doesn’t matter remember

Its all matter observable and in space so its clear what we have to do scriptures say
so inquiry into whether there is a set way for individuals we act as we please is that
all bad because I know I do it sometimes detailed instance no set way because if I like
you you may not like me but if its set as in law then you must like me see what

I mean every action is random in context but everything’s too self conscious
you see primate we see and table out situations as deemed fit but how do we each
sort an action in focus arm moves out slowly uses this bodily tool to obtain planetary produce live within nature through design and that’s another topic of human activity

Using our limbs roaming through beautiful nature mountainous rocks leer to the sky
passage through and green all around if bodily needs satisfied now animal desires are
stirred love is said to be an emotion I look at it in motion far above one couple under a
street lamp glows orange an embrace wet cheeks the nature of the beast

The pain of a heart is never worse that when its explosion love is like that and nothing
lasts forever the nature of the beast she was crying because he left her I was crying
sometime too you have he has she is now but it wasn’t always that remember the high
feelings when together limbs move through nature brief scenes of joy

But we had to accommodate for brief joy we construct and protect against the
elements high structures low opposites we find our nature is not same together
because everything’s variable random one hundred thousand sperm we propagate
for those brief scenes of joy we do it over and over again overload

Load overload upon overload load we can’t sustain this anymore eternal expansion
may happen up there doesn’t mean its a good thing baby because now there’s critical
density which is it the end who knows about that but this consciousness may give way
to another or nothingness nothingness apparently the universe lives longest

EPILOGUE

This cosmic background is a story of evolution movement movement and everything
does this way we get by on a giant performing stage introducing the late great
Mr Time the only concept running I’m asking the question are we extraterrestrial did we climb the stars as we exist why should we not know about it oh cloud of gas

Incandescent gas of course this human life is a planetary nebular we glow and we
spread misty objects in the heavens particles of nature hazy light irregular darkness
good bad all opposites and everything in-between nature as seen through a screen
I started and now I’m finished and we’ve come full circle