What do I want? ……What do I want, really, really, want? ………. This must be one of the hardest questions one can ask themselves. If the question was less vague and more qualified where the various answers stood out before you and you were left with a reasonable choice then the question wouldn’t be so difficult. But we can all answer, to a certain degree, the questions with multiple choice answers.

When I was drunk, and I mean drunk all of the time, the answer to this question was quite easy: I wanted to be sober and with better sleep so as I could make the most of each day. I followed that with another answer: to be able to read and write more. I am now sober and have plenty of the day and am reading more and writing (not very well, I admit) more. Yet the question still nags at me. If I was writing better, even getting some recognition from it, would that answer the question? Possibly yes, but like the promised land, one doesn’t know until one gets there.

So, I’m stuck. What do I want?

Do I want to be happy? To be rich? To have lots of friends? To be free of pain, threats, anguish and anxiety? Do I want to be successful – whatever success is defined by?

Everyone wants the above. So that can’t be the answer to the question.

Maybe I should look at other people and ask the question of them, in my mind. I could use the people I met while I was in detox. Some people had families: I could imagine their answer to the question would be to get better and to be back with their family. What does this answer entail? It says that being in a loving family is what that person wants. So, as long as it doesn’t affect their being in a loving family, they could have any position in society and it wouldn’t be a priority. Eg: “Okay, I’m unemployed but I still have what I want because I have a loving partner and children.” Another person, who also has a loving wife, I met, was there for his bi-polar moods which he got because he took a substance to help him stop smoking. Clearly he wanted to stop smoking to such a degree that he risked his own life towards that aim. Now, he still has a loving wife but now he has an additional problem to add to his smoking. Other people had problems, not addiction problems, that wouldn’t go away (depression, bi-polar, traumatic events in their life) that they wanted to at least learn how to live with so they can have a certain “wellness” in their life. But, with this example we have someone who, like me before, wanted a particular issue dealt with which would still leave the question, What do I want? untouched.

So, what do I want?

At the moment I come to the conclusion that I must just keep on doing what I’m doing, like having regular hours, being active, reading and writing more, staying in touch with the few people I do have. Maybe it will come to me, maybe I have already answered the question.